My earliest wish as a boy was to hold the hand of the pretty girl who sat three desks in front of me at infants’ school. It was incipient love, the dawning of the desire for union with the female – man’s missing half. At the time of puberty I was utterly astounded by the inrush of sexual energy and the extraordinary pleasure that was generated through masturbation and sexual fantasy. The fact that there were consequences to such actions (which would later manifest as problematical circumstances in my life) didn’t occur to me at the time. All that was important was the discovery of something that would offset the harsh realities of the world and didn’t have to be shared or disclosed to another. What could possibly compete with such an intense experience of concentrated delight? It was to be many years later that I realised that there’s nothing wrong with masturbation – it’s the misuse of the psyche through imagination that’s the error. When fantasising and imagination are given up, there’s no desire to masturbate again.
When it came to making love to a real woman for the first time as a young man, the experience was rather sweet and, as I recall, not too awkward. It was the start, however, of a cycle of the highs of excitement and lows of depression that is common in relationships in the search for love. For a long time the dominant drive was for sexual experience, regardless of the price and the trail of emotional wreckage left in the wake. Having extended as far out into ignorance and self-satisfaction as was necessary for me, a remarkable thing occurred (and I suspect all men confront this sooner or later when they reach a crisis point, or are endeavouring to become more loving and authentic in love). This was the realisation of shame. To me, shame is the realisation of love devoid of virtue; it is the perception that I, man, have sullied and profaned woman. It’s the trigger that instigates an injection of new energy and the possibility to make amends in some way through making a stand for love.
Love is a mystery since it’s impossible to quantify or understand. Man approaches love in the same manner that he attacks the world. With his sexual drive he seeks to possess woman in the sense that he diminishes her virtue. He does this because he is attached to his emotional pain and uses love as a palliative to assuage the force of his sexual drive. Sex is the greatest release of pain or tension in existence. But when used as a means for personal satisfaction or to have power over another, the results are predictably negative and create disharmony between partners. Man yearns to be the noble man he truly knows himself to be, beyond his sex obsession that distorts and undermines his true loving nature.
In my experience, the transformation of sex into love is the ultimate discipline and challenge in the spiritual life. It requires, of course, another willing body of the opposite gender – and a degree of honesty and commitment that will challenge the resolve of the most loving and devoted partnerships. I’ve been blessed in my life to have been given the opportunity to discover a greater purpose in the love between man and woman. The simplicity of two bodies making love in the absence of sexual wanting is such a radical departure from the accepted way of things as to be extremely rare in these times. I’ve also had the privilege of speaking to many thousands of men and women over the years in divinatory consultations and have observed that sex without love is, without question, the greatest cause of unhappiness on earth.
For a man to be able to love a woman he must have a degree of sensitivity, which is shown by his love and appreciation of nature. The senses must be attuned to beauty in all its manifestations for a man to be able to delight in the female. For man, the female emits a psychic fragrance that is like no other in existence. She is the rose, the flower from whose bouquet he receives the most exquisite perfume that permeates the depths of his psyche. To inhale her hair and skin, and to develop a fineness of touch in his hands, communicates a tenderness that only man can give to his sweetheart. A man loves a woman with his whole body; which becomes in time an extension of his love, even when holding hands.
The transformation of sex into love involves firstly, to hear from an authentic tantric master the difference between love and sex; and secondly to put into practice, through the instruction of the master, the way to make love without the downside of emotional negativity and self doubt. This was one of the great gifts I received from Barry Long, who introduced to the world the original idea of love that had been buried for millennia under the weight of materialism and the progressive drive. I’ve been practising making love through the teachings of Barry Long with my partner for around eighteen years. I recommend Barry’s “Making Love” CD and book to anyone looking for a way to make love more simply, consciously and divinely. I guarantee you will not find a more original and practical method of lovemaking that works.
To conclude, here’s an incident that happened one day, around 1985, while I was walking down a street in Knightsbridge, London, where I lived at the time. As I passed a lady in the street, her silk scarf flew into the roadside on a gust of wind. Leaping into the road with no concern for life or limb, I gathered it up and presented it to her. She was beautiful; she gave me a glorious smile and said “you are my Knight.” I saw then that this was romance; and it wasn’t just something that happens in movies or fairy tales! I knew that it was all true and that She, the female, was my love, waiting for man to rescue her from the dragon – the fire-breathing monster of the world.
Life is a great romance.
Lance Kelly 2012