Relationships: Living Love or Living Hell?

Anyone who has been in a relationship will know that things rarely run smoothly for long. To live together in harmony in an untroubled state of love is, for most couples, a romantic ideal or a completely unrealistic proposition. And yet, in the beginning when two lovers are irresistibly attracted to each other, both experience this extraordinarily beautiful state of love. Why is it, then, that relationships collapse so frequently, leaving feelings of bitterness and resentment in their wake? What comes between couples that spoils and sullies what was once the glory of life on earth? Over the years I’ve had the privilege of speaking to thousands of people about their love lives and it seems that the purpose of love has rarely been discovered, let alone put into practice as a way of life. It’s apparent that the two fundamental errors in relationships that contribute to the deterioration of love are: the avoidance of confronting any emotional disturbance in the relationship and the absence of purpose in being together as man and woman.

The vibrancy of love between couples after the honeymoon period usually reduces in potency as the power of the initial attraction begins to wane. The shadow of dishonesty begins with compromise as partners settle down to a routine way of life that retains a sense of ‘what was’ before they got together. As a more structured and rational creature, man is usually inclined (if he can) to revert to his old familiar ways and carry on with his busy life, much as he did before he entered into a relationship. This, of course, is disastrous for love; and the sad thing is that woman usually accepts it but simmers within, harbouring resentment and discontent. Honesty requires a sense of higher purpose to the relationship. Without it, love degenerates to a personal level that is subject to the fluctuations of emotional demands and the caprice of sentimental attachment to the loved one. 

When two partners are attracted and come together, they have a unique opportunity to serve each other and the greater good of humanity. Every man and woman is burdened with past, a segment of the ignorance of human love that is ‘picked up’ by each newborn baby. Love’s purpose is to enlighten or purify the individual of emotional negativity. Purpose gives rise to the knowledge that love is not for selfish and indulgent satisfaction: it is the means for man and woman to serve the principle of love through the continual surrender of the personal self to its mystery. In the direct confrontation of the two principles of existence, man and woman can face the reality of each other and, if they are willing, discover the mystery of love in the negation of anything that would sully their love. The main reason that people continue to suffer in love is that they go on to repeat the same mistakes as before. In this way, emotional negativity accrues very quickly and the value of past experience is indiscernible or disregarded.

Purpose, unlike aspirations or goals (which have conclusions), is a continual revelation. The purpose of love is revealed through being honest to love in a relationship. Most partners try to be true to each other’s feelings, but fail to perceive that this attaches them emotionally and psychologically to the fear of loss or being parted. Anyone who fears that their partner will leave them, or will be crushed by pointing out something that they do which is irritating or makes them emotional, will suffer in some way in the partnership. The woman, for example, may be reluctant to confront her man concerning his excessive alcohol consumption in case she hurt his feelings. To be honest to love would be to tell him that if he doesn’t moderate his drinking she will leave him, even though she may still love him. It’s not an easy undertaking to love in this way; in fact it’s the hardest thing on earth. A revolution is pending that will be fought by those inspired by the original idea of love. Man will be changed only by a woman who puts honesty to love above her personal feelings for her man. She must be true to love itself and refuse to compromise with man who would undermine her resolve and courage.

Each relationship provides a mirror to reflect either the love or hell to one another. Usually it’s a mixture of both since nobody comes in a perfect package. The justice of it all is that, to be free of hell, I must either pass through it consciously while alive or unconsciously in death. There is no greater opportunity to purify myself and discover a deeper purpose to life than in a loving partnership between man and woman. A partnership is hell so as to disabuse the lovers of any false notions or concepts of what love was thought to be. A partnership is living love when the original power of attraction that brought the lovers together is made complete through the devotion to love and the knowledge that they are in union with its eternal mystery.

Lance Kelly 2012