Relationships: Living Love or Living Hell

male-and-female-gender-symbols-mars-and-venus-drawn-with-white-chalk-on-blackboard_18916273To live together in harmony in an untroubled state of love is, for most, a romantic ideal or perhaps an unworkable proposition. And yet, in the beginning when two lovers are irresistibly attracted to each other, both merge into the extraordinarily beautiful state of love. So why is it that relationships collapse so frequently leaving feelings of bitterness and resentment in their wake? Over the years I’ve had the privilege of speaking to thousands of people about their love lives and it seems to me that the purpose of love has rarely been discovered, let alone put into practice as a way of life.

The two fundamental errors in relationships that contribute to the deterioration of love are: dishonesty arising from the fear of confronting in the moment any emotional disturbance; and the absence of purpose in being together as man and woman. Honesty requires a sense of higher purpose to the relationship. Without it, love degenerates to a personal level that is subject to the fluctuations of emotional demands and the caprice of sentimental attachment to the loved one. Purpose, unlike aspirations or goals (which have conclusions), is a continual revelation. The purpose of love is revealed through being honest to love in a relationship.

The vibrancy of love between couples after the honeymoon period usually reduces in potency as the initial attraction begins to wane. The shadow of dishonesty begins with compromise as partners settle down to a routine way of life that is usually based on sentiment, family values, comfort and convenience. The sheer electrifying intensity that characterised the first coming together as lovers has all but gone. Boredom and familiarity ensue as sex without the pure sensuality of love reveals its emptiness. Most partners try to be true to each other’s feelings, but fail to perceive that this attaches them emotionally and psychologically to the fear of loss or being parted, even though the vitality has gone from the relationship.

The living hell in a relationship is the effect of all the hurts and disappointments of the past that each lover brings into the new partnership from previous relationships. As soon as the period when the lovemaking and total absorption with each other begins to diminish, the hellish emotions of the past arise to participate with the exquisite love in the present. The first sign of trouble is often brushed aside as the first tiff, but it’s not long before a more serious misunderstanding occurs. Emotion arises between lovers in relationship when one or the other are defending a particular position. When given free reign the emotional force is vented against each other, often as a palliative to clear the air and then followed by the making of love. The main reason that people continue to suffer in love is that they go on to repeat the same mistakes as before. It’s a strange and familiar pattern until a radical change happens to bring one or both of the partners to their senses.

Man discovered a long time ago that if he can make woman emotional to make her doubt herself, then he can manipulate her to his will. Even a man who says he loves his woman is normally so habitually unconscious that he fails to perceive when he undermines her or casually puts her down. This, of course, is disastrous for love; and the sad thing is that woman usually accepts it but is inwardly disturbed, not realising the full extent of what is happening. Woman must recognise that man is different to her in that he is fundamentally sex-obsessed. His way of dealing with this is to be permanently active so as diffuse his pent-up aggression and sexual drive.

It is rare indeed to find a man who is willing to face his sexual self and to transform sex into love. Paradoxically woman is his only hope. She must be true to love itself and refuse to compromise with man who would undermine her courage and resolve. Man will be changed only by a woman who puts honesty to love above her personal feelings for her man – when she has realised that she has suffered enough through man’s misuse of her. The authority of man is bestowed upon him through woman who recognises in him his noble endeavour to serve love and his willingness to surrender his wicked ways. As he does this she is able to surrender more and more her emotionality and as such becomes for him more beautiful and spiritually pure. The finest achievement for man is not being the boss of a multi-national organisation or the best sportsman in the world; but in being given the accolade by woman in recognition of his endeavour to love.

When two partners are attracted and come together, they have a unique opportunity to each give to the other something of great value to their life. Even if it’s a disaster it’s still a contribution in some way to being disabused of a false notion of the way of love. The power of attraction has a psychic or spiritual value that is initiated after the first time of making physical love. This invokes the external circumstance and events that will test the resolve of the lovers as they endeavour to preserve their love against the forces of the world. The purpose of this is to provide the worldly circumstance to realise a greater depth of love. Unless the partnership can withstand the difficulties that life throws at them, there is little chance of the full potential implicit in the attraction being realised.

Each relationship provides a mirror to reflect either the love or hell to one another. Usually it’s a mixture of both since nobody comes in a perfect package. The purpose of partnership is to delight in being together and to keep the space free from emotional distortion. Love is made not only in the physical act but in the acknowledgment during the day or whenever the moment arises of the privilege of being together. A partnership is hell so as to disabuse the lovers of any false notions or concepts of what love was thought to be. A partnership is living love when the original power of attraction that brought the lovers together is made complete through their devotion to love and the knowledge that they are immortal in love’s mystery.

Lance Kelly 2015