A selection of questions and replies:
A man asks in response to an article on friends.
I love my partner and am committed to our relationship. And I love my friends, too, in a different and I believe healthy way. I can also recall many instances observing people who, after consciously removing and attenuating friendships, saw their love-relationships fail in isolation. Don’t we really all need each other? Of course we desire the profound fulfillment of intimate, personal love, but won’t our potential as an evolving species be diminished if the only way to create that union comes at the expense of loving friends?
We must all live out our earthly existence in accordance with what we deem to be right. In other words, we cannot accept as truth what anyone says unless it’s true in our own experience. Friends of many years indeed have an important bearing on our development as human beings. But the fact that most friendships are based on personal love leads to attachment and the consideration of the feelings, which keeps a person trapped in the orbit of the past.
When I say that there’s no space for friends in a love relationship, I’m talking of a partnership that has divine purpose. In my own experience, friends naturally fell away as a reciprocal to a deepening realisation of real love. The process, which lasts for many years, is so intense and extreme that there’s no space for friends or anyone else to distract from this one-pointed focus. And yet, through it all, it’s still possible to interact with people and to be available to respond to events and situations as they happen in everyday life. The difference here is that the people who come into the life are usually there for a specific purpose. When the job’s done they may never be seen again, but there’s always a sense of gratitude in the knowledge that love and truth have been served in some way.
It’s by the way of things in the spiritual life that I must pass through the vast spectrum of human experience to be able to finally look back with infinite compassion on the plight of humanity and all life forms on the earth. The potential and evolution of the individual is not diminished at the expense of friends – just the opposite. It’s consciously living through the experience of friends with all of its joy, laughter, sadness, happiness and pathos that contributes to the broadness of spirit I am in each body.
Eventually, friends hinder the spiritual process. For how many friends could bear to surrender their personal feelings and emotional attachments? It’s not possible until the time is right for them. The point is that everything is perfect and happens in accordance with the consciousness of the being. It’s just leaving it up to life and acknowledging the good or the God whenever reminded during the busyness of the day.
A woman raises the question of forgiveness.
I think we have to bring in forgiveness here. Ancestral and personal to foster any change. There are a couple of people that come to mind working on a global scale doing just that, Thomas Hubl and John Newton and my experience with their work has been profound. And the good news is, we have eternity to get to the place of what Lance writes so passionately about, being our true selves, love, all that is.
I’ll tell you a great truth, if I may Cindra. There’s nothing to forgive because you, or anyone else, haven’t done anything – you only think you have. This is not a personal life but life living through each one of us. Until this is realised, the person will be vulnerable to the vacillations of their emotional self. Tormented with guilt and self-doubt, people often pray to Jesus to forgive their ‘sins’, which is another terrible burden for humanity.
Regardless of what anyone does in the world, there’s an integrity behind every action that determines the next life sequence and the next as a continuity of cause and effect. What anyone does, and the consequences of their actions, is preserved in consciousness as an energetic impression of existence. There’s no greater justice than this since everybody is compelled to confront any past transgressions in time.
It’s a matter of being responsible for life and love on earth. This is the lesson for us all, isn’t it? Once I am responsible (which means being conscious of the purpose of life) there’s no movement to harm another or be wilful as a reaction to someone or something in the world. I can take the appropriate action without having to forgive anyone, because there’s no expectation for someone to act in any other way than they do.
It’s because people personalise their lives that they feel separate and fragmented from the whole of life. Eternity is now, symbolised by the physical presence of the body. But to leave the moment to think, for example that it’s necessary to forgive another, is an arrogance of the mind which keeps the individual in time and separate from the peace and equilibrium within the being.
A man asks: How can we let go the attachment to orgasm when sexual orgasm is attachment in its strongest and most primal form? You think about doing it, you do it and then you think about having done it, all sequences of some form of attachment.
Orgasm is natural when it happens as a conscious part of the sexual exchange between partners. There is then no sense of separation or isolation, which are common symptoms of post coital tristesse. As you say, the attachment to orgasm as the pinnacle of sensual pleasure is extremely compelling. So how can this primal drive be mastered in the approach to making love to our full potential as conscious individuals?
Firstly, someone must have a reached point of maturity where they’ve determined to be more real in the sense of making the search for purpose in their life a priority. The man or woman must have loved and suffered enough at the hands of unconscious sex to have drawn the line, so as to make possible an upsurge of a radical new energy as the resolve to be more responsible for life and love on earth.
The transformation of the sexual self begins with self-observation without judgment of the habitual patterns and drives of the human feeling self. For a man serious in realising his noble task in love, he must first examine how much sex rules his life in thinking about women’s parts and resist creating erotic scenarios in his mind; this feeds his attachment to the orgasmic delights and pleasure of the vagina. He must harness the wastage of his finest energies and contain (not suppress) his virtue, which is his integrity of spirit that he will call upon in his endeavour to love woman, his mate.
A man needs to be aware of the enormous privilege of loving a woman and be inwardly open to giving everything to delight his beloved. He must look to give and not to take for himself. In real love, where the lovers are conscious of the purpose of being together, orgasm takes care of itself. In normal lovemaking orgasm represents a conclusion to the act which limits the exchange to some form of ritual, which love certainly isn’t. Love is made in a conscious partnership every moment just being together in the practicalities of everyday affairs.
When making physical love, there’s a point when the pleasure peaks and the dominant sense is that an orgasm is inevitable. But it’s not true. This is the point which represents the departure from the purely animalistic drive to self-conscious cognitive human beings. Here a man, if he’s willing, is able to invoke his innate spirituality to unite with the creative principle as a direct experience of life. This is not suppression or control but an action of consciousness and total engagement with the immediacy of love in the flesh.
What happens is that, with the mind disengaged, the speed of intelligence outdistances the primal instinctual drive to ejaculate, and the consciousness merges as the power of creation through the action of divine union in the flesh. This containment of beauty and enhanced pleasure is the means through which love is consciously realised between man and woman. In this way, attachment to orgasm is transcended as pure knowledge of love within the purified space of the being. The man is then able to impart this quality of original love through his body in sexual union with woman, which fulfills his sacred function as the male principle on earth.
A lady writes after reading the article: ‘Love Supreme’
You’re a MAN. Stick to that. I’ve been drugged, used, abused and told I’m a liar, drama queen, crazy, liar, and slut and of course I must hate myself. Quite the contrary, I’m just sick of sex offenders being everywhere, teen porn, teen sex dolls, sex dolls, etc…Sir, I speak from my heart and for victims of this type of mind entrapment. I showed my therapist, a lady, your article and she agreed with me. Hey you wanna face chat there Lance?? People can talk a lot of trash in words but it’s hard to do looking in my eyes. You can’t lie.
What do you suppose would happen if instead of always looking for the reflection of your pain in the world you began to acknowledge the good and started giving your sweet nature instead of your emotional unhappiness of the past? Are you so bereft of love so as not to be grateful for something other than your wilful self? So you have been used and abused by man. You’re not special, for the life of every woman on earth has been degraded and spoilt by man and his sexual self in some way. I understand your torment and anger at being abused at the hands of man; but if you’re serious in making a contribution to love on earth, and for the plight of woman, please listen to what I have to say.
In your innocence you’ve become possessed by the unconscious force of sex. This is a male-induced energy which is an intense band of emotion, a psychosis in every woman which externalises as negative behavioural traits in varying degrees. Through focusing on the effects of sexual deviancy, such as ‘sniffing out paedophiles’, you feed the psychic possession of sex within your own subconscious. This distorts the perception of life and reaffirms the psychic entity’s hold on you and is ready to erupt as a torrent of hostility when provoked.
Yes I’m a man, but obviously unlike any you’ve encountered before. This is because I serve love and am not deflected or perturbed by your emotional self. Usually when people love, they want something in return and get upset when their expectations don’t match up, and so have to be disabused of their false notions of love. Man, unless he truly loves woman and serves the female principle behind the form, will be unable to confront and handle woman’s emotionality. To man, woman’s emotion is hell on earth, which unbeknown to him is his own male sexual energy coming back to afflict him, and his shame for his failure to love.
Virtually all men are slaves to the unconscious energy of sex. This sexual entity is conscious of its actions, but the individual man is not, although he must ultimately be made responsible. Even the most heinous sexual predator is held to account for his actions, if not immediately then in time. The terrible injustice and misery worldwide that afflicts so many is an aspect of humanity’s abdication of responsibility as a race. Fortunately, it’s only necessary to confront what’s been apportioned in any individual life.
The tension, anxiety and rage a woman feels as her emotions is because they are alien to her essential nature, which is pure love. She must somehow starve out this negative force that has possessed her and ruined her life. She does this by refusing to compromise with man’s sexual demands and with the affliction of her emotional self. As the embodiment of love on earth, woman in her sensitivity is extremely vulnerable to the forces of the world, an appalling man-made structure of hardness superimposed upon the simplicity of the earth. The only hope for love on earth is woman. She must know man, and be in command of love by knowing what she doesn’t want through having experienced life, and lived and loved as best she could.
Why do you say that imagination isn’t necessary in the spiritual life?
Imagination is the curse of humanity but rarely perceived as such. As self-reflective beings, we’re able to formulate pictures in the mind which are abstract energetic particles of thought. The primary purpose of this is to develop ideas or to assess a situation in the practical affairs of the world. When action is taken it dissolves the thought images, leaving the mind still and receptive to the new. However, when images are allowed to link up with associated impressions from the past, the energised particles of thought are unable to be eliminated and clog up the psychic system. Over time, this creates inner tension and heightens the need for a visual affirmation to substantiate the feeling of being alive.
Why is imagination so destructive of the peace of mind we all strive to attain? It’s because every negative emotional condition relies on imagination to keep the mind focused on the pain of the past. When someone imagines a beautiful scene or some pleasurable experience, the psyche is compelled to release an opposite negative effect to compensate for the induced positive feelings. This will usually manifest within a few days as a bout of worry or depression, with the person unable to desist from replaying some disturbing event from the past or imagining a distressing situation that could happen in the future.
Visualisation and other psychic devices that involve imagination are equally detrimental to the purity of the psyche. It’s because of the absence of any real knowledge that children are encouraged to use their imagination at school. This is not to blame anyone as the use of imagination is unavoidable in the early development. It’s important not to stifle it but to keep the children grounded in the physical senses, and especially to introduce them to the wonders of the natural world. It’s only when sufficiently seasoned by life that an individual, if they are willing, is able to transcend the imagination and live as a being in the present without any emotional distortion of the mind.
Imagination is most destructive when stoked by the full intensity of sexual fantasising. As an indulgence of the mind and emotions, imagination upsets the psychic balance by taking from it for personal gain and satisfaction and giving nothing back in return. However, spontaneous images that appear in the mind, such as a scene from childhood or someone from the past, are random and unavoidable. As an exercise in self-mastery, it’s important to be present and swift enough to catch the image and not allow the next frame to run. A thought is not thinking, and any image will disintegrate when held motionless by the focus of pure intelligence.
It’s often said that an artist, writer or designer who creates something unique and outstanding must have a great imagination. But is this really the case? No imagination is necessary when immersed in the total absorption of the creative act itself. Before any creative work begins there has to be an idea. An idea is complete unto itself with no need for embellishment. To the degree that an artist, or anyone, is able to replicate an idea in its pristine state in the world, the greater the originality in any creative work. With a still mind, he or she is in a state of receptivity to the well of inspiration within the body. When this focus of perception is applied as a way of life to encompass the whole living experience, it’s then possible to tap into a unique pool of creativity that is the energetic idea behind the body sustaining the living life.
A man asks:
Are you saying that sex is a hindrance to love or that going into sex with Awareness/ Consciousness is precisely the path to love, as Osho puts it?
The hindrance is not sex – that’s just the sexual self passing the buck – but the man or woman’s attachment to the selfish drive for personal satisfaction. Sex then isolates the potential for union with love by taking for itself and holding back from giving all in the exchange. Eastern teachings can only reach so far and are unable to penetrate the core of resistance of the western mind. Where love is taught in the East, the followers in the West turn it into sex, as happened to many of the sannyasins of Rajneesh.
Can you elaborate on what happens when we get sexual thoughts?
A thought is not thinking and random images are unavoidable. It’s when two thoughts are allowed to run together in sequence that thinking begins. Sexual thoughts as erotic picturing and fantasying stir the core of the emotional body. This entity of self consists of all of the negative effects of every past hurt and disappointment gathered through the experience of living since birth. The unhappy body of self arises from sex as an emotionally charged, immature spasm to experience sensual existence, whatever the cost in human suffering and pain. I go into this subject and how to transform the sexual self to love in my many articles on love and relationships and books on the spiritual process.
How do you think such thoughts would be manifested in a person who’s never had sex before, but still lusts? His thoughts would be devoid of substance as he’s fantasising about things he has no physical experience in.
Yes, it’s true that the emotions will not have the substance that experience brings. But the manifestation of sexual thoughts and lusting is due to the accumulative experience of humanity since time began. The fascination with sex is the overriding preoccupation of everyone born. Thus the sexual past of humanity energetically gravitates to the minds of even the youngest.
Is there anything you could teach me that I do not already know?
You already know the highest truth and knowledge, but you haven’t yet realised this to its full potential (otherwise you wouldn’t be asking your question). The truth is nothing, so if I told you something I wouldn’t be doing you any favours. The error is in wanting to know in matters relating to reality or the highest truth. You can’t know the truth, but you can be that exalted state of enlightenment by not holding onto existence and continually letting go of the last moment.
All I do is remind those receptive to my teaching of what they’ve forgotten. The problem is that people remember what they should forget, and forget to remember the truth of being what I am as the intelligence which perceives this glorious existence.
A man writes in response to the article ‘Mission Impossible’
If I had a Conversation with God I would ask Her if the ‘self’ is intrinsically unwilling to join Consciousness or simply fell prey to an illusion … looks like you bet on the former
The self has no knowledge of consciousness, knowing only what it has experienced in its time within the body. Consciousness never moves and is the stationary side of existence. On the familiar motional side of existence, everything is self appearing as the divisive sensory world. These are the two sides of existence. The spiritual task is to somehow entice the normally outward fixated intelligence to turn inwards to unite with the source of life.
To know my self as a realised state of consciousness is to have access at any time to the self-knowledge of the entire life’s experience. This is the realisation of immortality as union with life everlasting. The suffering and dissolution of the self endured by the individual is hardly an illusion. It’s an arduous, painful and protracted procedure, as every mystic or lover of truth will testify. This world is a projection in sense of a more enduring inner realm – an actuality of doing in time and space which gives validity to the stationary reality of consciousness behind the appearance of form.
The self doesn’t ‘die’ in the spiritual process of dissolution. It eventually surrenders its willfulness to the all-pervading nothing or absence of experience which is God. The self is then aligned with the Divine Will, which is the agency of spirit in matter.
A woman writes in response to the article ‘Celibacy: The Betrayal of Love’
This is profoundly true yet do you believe this mutual act of recognition can be realized by one of the partners being aware of this higher truth or is it only best realised through couples who share a higher level of soul connection, and I do not mean to say it in a discriminating manner as all beings are equally sacred yet I believe that when two individuals are mutually aware of the sacredness of this union only then it can become this life sustaining experience
In a partnership, someone of a higher consciousness will raise the other to a comparable state of consciousness, if they are willing. But there’s no guarantee, as in any other partnership, as to whether such a relationship will continue or the degree of transformation. Love is a mighty principle of intelligence, and in a partnership which puts honesty to love first, and where each refuses to submit to the normal emotional attachments to defend their pain and unhappiness, each will gain in consciousness as a consequence of their coming together in love.
A man questions the validity of facing his sexual self as mentioned in the article ‘Man’s Noble Task in Love.’
The point is definitely not about man being able to confront his sexual self but the subsequent approval or affirmation from the opposite sex..
To confront the sexual self is to take responsibility for love on earth. Man’s true authority, regardless of his worldly position, is realised through his power to love. The abdication of being responsible for love manifests in a man as sex obsession, frustration, restlessness wealth gathering, and unconscious lovemaking, through which he perpetuates the ignorance and suffering of life on earth.
It’s not about approval or affirmation from the opposite sex but something far more real and enduring. What every man yearns for, above all things, is the accolade from ‘She’, the female principle of supreme beauty that is God in existence; this is behind the form of every woman on earth. The accolade she bestows is her recognition of man’s noble endeavour to love her rightly and selflessly without taking anything for himself. But this can only happen when he has confronted his sexual self.
I have heard that semen can turn toxic if not released…do you have any insight on this?
It’s emotional negativity such as anger, hate, jealousy and resentment which turns toxic if not released as the surrender to God or life. The mind always avoids the central issue and focuses on things which have no real meaning, other than to satisfy its intellectual curiosity.
Semen is a secretion of the sexual glands and functions beautifully when allowed to respond to the natural flow of the body. Anomalies could arise, I suspect, where there is suppression to having an orgasm, but I’m not aware of anything specific regarding the toxic effect of semen
Hi Lance Kelly
I remember, when I was around twenty years old, staying at a hermitage. Me and my brother were installing insulation in one of the rooms when we got into a disagreement. He got really upset with me…. He’s had a hard life. Anyway I remember going down deep in myself and thinking everywhere I go it’s always the same situation / confrontation. All of a sudden I was blinded by a light and I was that light. The whole world had disappeared. There was only love and peace. I knew at that moment that death was an illusion. I don’t remember leaving the room after that. I kind of forgot about it, until recently, when I started reading a course in miracles, and listening to Eckhart Tolle. My question to you would be… What exactly was it that I touched and that touched me? I’ve lived my life in a state of deference to the world. My only prayer was that we be given the strength to get through this life. But now I’m reading about the awakening and how it’s our purpose in life, is to awaken. To realize that the journey, the destination, is within, and that it is who we are. There is nowhere to go. We are already arrived.
A) What you touched upon was the Lord – the Lord in matter within all things in existence. I had a similar experience over twenty-five years ago in London. When the self collapses in surrender to life or God, the formless reality within the body is able to shine through. The immediacy of such an experience changes the life irrevocably. However, blinding lights only happen in the darkness of ignorance until, eventually, the inner space is restored to its original purity. It can take many years for the inner apparatus to adjust in frequency to the spiritual octave of the realisation. You forgot about the experience because knowledge of the spirit is energetic and cannot be remembered. The spirit never repeats itself, because anything which originates from the timeless realm is a participation with reality. The self and individual consciousness merge with the incoming spirit as a unity of being. Once enlightened it is forever and can never be taken away. It is you and you are that. But the idea of life on earth is not solely about realisation but to bring that extraordinary power of truth into the living world.
What has happened recently in you is a response to the inner calling of the spirit. This has been mirrored in the external events, as you have described. The idea now is to find a teaching and to live it, if it’s the truth for you. Then it is your truth, which will serve to direct your life to bring you closer to your own uniqueness as a being of the earth.
A woman asked the following question after reading one of my articles:
Can you please elaborate on depression and women? Because it is so true. If I cannot share love with a man because his heart is closed, I also close mine. I get angry, frustrated, so fired up I want to cry and just give up. Give up everything. What a world, I think then. What a world when love comes last after duty and work…. I get mean. To myself, my kids. I lock down my own sensuality and it creates such pressure in me. All the strength it takes to lock down the serpent, makes me unable to feel love. I then mistrust the whole world and hate myself and all men. But what to do? Sometimes a man is also hurt and he needs time to unlock his heart. What do I do with this sexuality of mine in the meantime? I don’t want to get rejected all the time and I also don’t want to cheat. Because I love the guy and respect his heart. So what do I do? This is usually when I get depressed.
A) Why do you stay with a man whose ‘heart is closed’? It wasn’t closed in those first raptures of love when you first met – unless you thought you could change him. But this rarely happens. It’s not enough to say that you love each other. The question is: does the man love you enough to break through his resistance and fear to love? You have to be realistic since love is very practical and begins with honesty and open communication between partners. Unless this is established at the beginning of any relationship, then it’s doomed to fail through compromise and personal attachment.
You say you get angry and frustrated. This obviously is not right. Woman only gets emotional when she’s not being loved. This is why she ‘locks down’ and is unable to connect with her own love and sensuality, which she then suppresses. The result is a build-up of pressure and spasmodic outbursts of anger and rage. Man doesn’t need time to ‘unlock his heart’. He just needs to overcome his independence now and embrace the beloved in his openness to love. But you, as woman, must have the discrimination to see when time is up, having given him every opportunity to come forward to love you. The emotional reaction in a woman to man’s lack of love at every level is her self-doubt, which then becomes an emotional centre and the seat of her depression.
There is purpose to relationships beyond the normal experience of raising a family and working long hours for financial security. It’s to be disabused of the false notions of love. Love is not a personal affair based on feelings and attachment, which is the emotional way of life devised by the world. The question is: have you suffered enough and realised what you do not want and are prepared to make a stand for love.
Man has failed just about every time in his endeavour to reach woman in her deepest centre in lovemaking. Consequently she’s the only hope for love on earth. She must refuse to compromise with the emotional demands of man ever again. But she can only do this when she’s no longer prepared to settle for anything that would sully her love. A woman must realise that it serves no purpose to life to be in a partnership where there’s no communication of love or the continual demonstration of the sheer pleasure of being together. This serves no purpose, except to perpetuate misery and discontent in the home and family life.
But it’s not to lose heart, for there’s no failure in love. Each relationship changes us in a spiritually productive way, regardless of personal feelings and the mind’s interpretation of things. Man is a loving creature, but only a woman who is in command of love can help him to realise his noble purpose. And this begins with honesty at every level of human relationships.
My e-book ‘Making Love Real’ is to be published later this year which will offer advice and guidance in relationships, and how to make love more real and enduring in partnerships.
A man questions some fundamental points in my article ‘Spirituality’.
This sounds a very linear almost subjective (personal) reckoning by someone who has started to imagine what would be required of themselves if they were to become spiritual. To be spiritual is to be “Self” aware and the rest is that particular Self’s business and that Self will walk its own unique spiritual path. Know thy self and all will be known to you.
The truth never changes. It’s always disagreeable to the mind.
A woman asks: Lance Kelly – Are you in a successful long-term relationship?
Well, I live with the most beautiful woman on earth. But then, doesn’t every man who truly loves a woman and recognises the beauty in her? My partner and I have been together for over twenty years in an extraordinary romance which has no end.
I would question, however, your use of the word ‘successful’. How do you measure success in a relationship, or indeed anything undertaken in this existence where everyone and everything eventually disappears back to dust? The right word is purpose. Does my relationship with the one I love and live with have purpose?
Purpose endures whereas success is fleeting, which soon turns to boredom and the striving to be more successful in something else. Unless a man or woman loves with purpose, any relationship is doomed to the living death of compromise and mediocrity. To love with purpose is to love God first as something greater than myself before any man or woman. It’s to acknowledge the privilege of loving the beloved as the principle of God in existence.
Purpose begins with honesty, which does not consider the feelings of another but is true to the situation of a partnership. This is to enjoy being with each other every moment spent together and dying to the right to be anything but vulnerable to love’s mystery. My partner keeps me straight through her devotion to the invisible but all-pervading truth behind the form. She is God in female form to me. I serve her, as she serves me, in my love of God and the endeavour to be more worthy of this blessed gift to serve love as my life.