Friends
As the search for truth becomes the predominant way of life, an individual is compelled to examine their relationships with a greater discrimination. Friendships are important when growing up to help prepare for life beyond the family orbit through the depth of experience that only relationships with others can provide. But it’s not necessary, and usually an impediment to the spiritual development of someone, to hold onto the same friends for a lifetime.
There’s a time for friends and the pleasure of being with like-minded individuals. Friendships based on shared interests and compatible levels of self-knowledge operate subconsciously, and continue where there’s a recognition of each other’s emotional needs. However, the warmth and congeniality of like-minded friends creates a perimeter of emotional energy which is psychically substantive to the self and spiritually unproductive. Friendships in ashrams or spiritual communities often reinforce the exclusivity of being different to ordinary people not following their particular path. Inevitably, the attachment to their way of life collides with the circumstances of life outside the protective enclave of their community, and the person struggles to adapt to relationships with others in the world.
Spiritual power is a restorative energy of original purity. When a man or woman begins to emanate this presence, the first thing that happens is that friends begin to fall away. This is inevitable at a certain phase in the spiritual process. As the intelligence speeds up, the experience which once provided the pleasure as social interaction with others is no longer as enjoyable as before. The charade of the personality that people wear in the world is perceived to be false and discarded. Friends begin to say you’ve lost your old sparkle, which means they can no longer relate to the new you as the authentic being behind the mask. In most instances, friendships are based on personal love and talking about the past. When consciously present in the senses, any association is more impersonal and based on knowledge of purpose through the immediacy of the moment.
At a spiritual octave, loyalty is the true value of friendship but not as an obligation to anyone or anything. This is measured by how another is served through edifying the consciousness through self-sacrifice and devotion to the welfare of that individual. Sometimes a friend appears in times of tragedy and hardship but disappears soon after. Angels are amongst us as ordinary people who demonstrate the spiritual excellence of humanity, often at times of greatest loss. Loyalty transcends personal friendship when there’s nothing to gain except the pure action of love for another’s need. This is personified in the mother who selflessly bears the pain in childbirth. Who could possibly not be grateful for such love, regardless of what has to follow in the drama and difficulties of living?
Friends are the death of love in a partnership. When there’s the continual acknowledgement of the privilege of being together and the total immersion into the profundity of each other’s bodies, it leaves no space for friends or anyone else to distract from love’s purpose. This is not attachment, nor does it mean a cutting off from necessary interactions with other people. It takes great energy to support a personal friendship, which depletes the vitality needed to go all the way in love with the partner. If you don’t think this is so, then love is not yet the most important thing in the life.
Ultimately, however, I am alone and not dependent on anyone or anything – even a body – to provide for my sense of being. Love is the total immersion in the sensuality of life on earth. This original state of being transcends the senses, yet is still a conscious presence in existence that endeavours to serve my beloved man and woman.
“Friends are the death of love in a partnership. When there’s the continual acknowledgement of the privilege of being together and the total immersion into the profundity of each other’s bodies, it
leaves no space for friends or anyone else to distract from love’s purpose. This is not attachment,
nor does it mean a cutting off from necessary interactions with other people. It takes great energy
to support a personal friendship, which depletes the vitality needed to go all the way in love with
the partner. If you don’t think this is so, then love is not yet the most important thing in the life.”
Perhaps it’s my attachment to a different model of love & friendship, but It’s discouraging to think
that we can’t develop and refine the relationships with intimate partners without diminishing the
depth of our friendships. For me, true friends are either decades-long connections, artists, colleagues students or or all the above. They add great dimension to my concept of social interdependence as
we provide personal and practical support to each other in myriad ways.
However, in support of your tenant, I have had experiences where these friendships have sometimes
caused tension in that primary relationship. But Is that because of a default tendency for friendships
to disrupt the primary partner commitments or is it just that some people have more or less of a
sense of self – and self-esteem – and that the degree of clarity and truth in one’s own beliefs and
integrity often determines how one deals with paranoia and jealousy about your beloved’s friends?
It’s disheartening to me to imagine that reasonable and community-nurturing commitment to my
true friendships is incompatible with my partner relationship. That there is “no space for friends or
anyone else to distract from love’s purpose”. I need more than just “necessary interactions with other people” – and I like to think (delusional, perhaps, per your description) that I have the energy and
vitality to engage both.
I guess, per this model, that means that (personal) love is NOT the most important thing in my life.
That may indeed be correct. I hold truth and love in equal esteem, because I believe in my heart that
you can’t have one without the other. I love my partner and am committed to our relationship. And I
love my friends, too, in a different and I believe healthy way. I can also recall many instances observing people who, after consciously removing and attenuating friendships, saw their love-relationships fail
in isolation. Don’t we really all need each other? Of course we desire the profound fulfillment of
intimate, personal love, but won’t our potential as an evolving species be diminished if the only way
to create that union comes at the expense of loving friends?
We must all live out our earthly existence in accordance with what we deem to be right. In other words, we cannot accept as truth what anyone says unless it’s true in our own experience. What you describe as friends of many years indeed have an important bearing on our development as a human being. However, there’s no ‘default tendency’ in friendships, but the fact that it’s usually based on personal love leads to attachment and the consideration of the feelings of other. This in turn leads to dishonesty and suppression, which then creates a psychic blockage of emotional negativity within the person.
When I say that there’s no space for friends in a love relationship, I’m talking of a partnership that has divine purpose. In my own experience this happens as a reciprocal to a deepening realisation of the profundity of love. The process, which lasts for many years, is so extreme and intense that there’s no space for friends or anyone else to distract from this one-pointed focus. And yet, through it all, it’s still possible to interact and to be available to respond to the needs and situations in the everyday affairs of living.
It’s by the way of things on the ascent/descent of the spiritual staircase that I must pass through the whole range of human experience to be able to finally look back with infinite compassion on the plight of all life forms on the earth. The potential and evolution of the species is not diminished at the expense of friends, Richard, just the opposite. It’s through passing through the experience of friends with all of its creativity, beauty, intrigue, laughter, sadness, joy, betrayal, drama and pathos that contributes to the realisation of the truth of what I am.
The awful truth is that, ultimately, friends inhibit the timeless presence I am through their attachment to existence. For how many friends could tolerate being asked to abandon their personal feelings and emotional attachments? It would be impossible until the time was right for them. The point is that everything is beautifully orchestrated and happens in accordance with the consciousness of the being. It’s just leaving it up to life and acknowledging the good or the God, whenever reminded during the pause of the busyness of the day.
The essence of the article, and all of my writings, can disturb a core resistance somewhere in the subconscious of anyone receptive and serious in discovering a deeper truth and reality. This creates a separation from the emotional attachment, enabling the observing intelligence to perceive with a finer discrimination and clarity. This is the basis of the divine life as I teach it.
Thank you for getting in touch, Richard. It’s always a pleasure to hear from you and I acknowledge the sincerity in your comments.
Lance
Thank you for your detailed response, Lance, it is quite amazing that you not only offer your regular flow of powerful writings but also respond so personally to one of your many followers. I’m not sure how you find the time to do that but it’s a wonderful gift for us sincere seekers. I almost always read your pieces 2 or 3 times now that I’m aware of the multiple levels and depth of your philosophy. And yet, when I comment, I see (in your follow-up response) how I’m still missing some salient point hear and there. I’m hopeful my perception will improve and my consciousness expand to include these simple yet profound insights you have. You’re right about how your writings can ‘disturb a core resistance’. As an ardent seeker of truth, I long for that disturbance. And, like many people on the path, my desire for the finer discernment of divine life often collides with the primal fear of emotional detachment. As in music, so in life: there is always room for practice and improvement!